🎤 Pain: The Stand-Up Special

(Spotlight hits. PAIN strolls onto stage in a leather jacket, holding a crumpled ice pack. The crowd cheers.)

PAIN:
“Thank you, thank you. Great to be here. Or… terrible to be here. Depends on how you feel about me.

I’m Pain. You’ve all met me. Some of you stepped on a Lego this morning. Others met me during that toxic relationship you just had to try one more time. Yeah… that’s my fan club over there.

Let’s clear something up:
I don’t want to show up. I’m not sitting at home thinking, ‘Oh boy, can’t wait to ruin Dave’s life today.’ No. I’m just the guy they send in because you keep doing dumb stuff. I’m basically customer support for bad decisions.”

(Crowd laughs.)

PAIN (starts pacing):
“You know how many times I’ve shown up to teach the same lesson?

• ‘Don’t date people with red flags.’
• ‘Don’t touch hot stoves.’
• ‘Don’t drunk-text your boss at 2AM.’

And every time I think, ‘Okay, they’ll get it now.’
But nooo. Next thing I know, I’m back—only this time with emotional bankruptcy and a sprained ankle for good measure.

It’s like I’m running a loyalty program: screw up five times, and your sixth mistake comes with a free mental breakdown.”

(Crowd laughs louder.)

PAIN (smirking):
“And then there are the avoiders. You know who you are. The ones who refuse to take risks, won’t leave their comfort zone, won’t even try sushi.

You say, ‘If I don’t take a chance, I can’t fail.’
Buddy… if you don’t take a chance, you’ve already failed.

No pain, no gain? That’s literally me.
I’m like a personal trainer. The first time you hit the gym, you’re feeling good. Then I show up the next morning like, ‘SURPRISE! You can’t sit on the toilet without crying.’ Two weeks later? You’re flexing in the mirror like a Greek god. You’re welcome.”

(Crowd laughs, someone claps.)

PAIN (leans forward):
“And don’t even get me started on hangovers.
Friday night: ‘One more shot! YOLO!’
Saturday morning: ‘Please Pain, I swear I’ll never drink again.’
Next Friday: ‘Shots?’
Me: ‘Guess who’s back, back again.’”

(Big laugh. Audience starts clapping.)

PAIN (serious for a beat):
“Now, I know… sometimes I go too far. Sometimes life sends me in way too hard. That’s not teaching—that’s torture. And if that’s happened to you, I’m sorry. That wasn’t me—that was life being a jerk.

But most of the time? Let’s be real. You needed me.”

PAIN (grinning, leaning into the mic):
“So here’s the deal:
Learn the lesson early.
Stop texting your ex.
And for the love of all that is holy, wear sunscreen.

If you don’t? Don’t worry. I’ll be back.

And next time… I’m bringing Legos.

(PAIN starts to limp offstage, then stops and turns back with a wicked grin.)

“Or worse… I’ll send my cousin Emotional Pain. That guy shows up with wine and Adele playlists. Good luck surviving him.”

(Crowd erupts. Standing ovation as PAIN waves the ice pack like a trophy.)